We have to learn to accept a lot of things in life. I have to accept that I'm not a skinny popular girl. That I have a little extra to me and that my friends are fine and thats everything is okay. When you get stuck in this place where everything is wrong and you start break, you slowly find yourself at your breaking point. And when you break, you have to rebuild. You have to become stronger and better than you ever were before. But everything you put into rebuilding yourself isn't always good. I built this wall, that was supposed to protect me from hateful things and the bad in this world. But my wall buried all bad things into a volcano. This volcano of vulnerability, and when it erupts its not pretty. Instead of small things hitting you all the time, its everything all at once. I'm stuck in this place that i thought was better for me, but it may just be as bad. I put up a good act of being happy for everyone, but like I said its an act. I feel like maybe its better this way, so no one worries. But deep down I just want someone to see through me and say your broken. I have my own mother fooled, the only person i thought could see through me. I guess reality is harsh. I have accept that maybe its okay that I'm not happy. Maybe I'm supposed to be this place. I mean everybody says god puts each of us on earth for a purpose. Maybe this is mine. I'm still clean. The urges started again though. I'm trying so hard to get better and find myself, but what if that is impossible. What if I'm looking in the wrong place? The only other place I could be is dead. Do you believe in heaven or the afterlife or reincarnation or hell? Do I? If I died today would my deceased family members be waiting for me? The problem with death is that no one can tell you what happens, because they are dead. I accept that for right now I'm alive, but I also accept that I could kill myself at this very moment if I wanted to.
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sorry its been a week or two but i have been busy with school stuff because winter break starts wednesday. so i have a theory. i think my dad is cheating on my mom with another woman. i have a little proof but nothing that i can physically (i have seen texts but dont have printed copies or pics. i hacked his facebook but then logged off right away bc i didnt want him to log in when i was on it. one night while he is sleeping im going to go on his facebook and get proof. hopefully i wont find anything and its all a misunderstanding. but if i do find something idk what im going to do. should i tell my mom. confront my dad. find a way to confront the mistress. please i know there are people who will read this and not give feed back but i really need advice Do you ever wish you had someone else's life? Not anyone famous, but someone you know personally. Like a friend or a classmate. Well I do. I don't need a lot of money or anything like that. I just want a happy family. Parents and maybe a brother or sister, and we would have family days, or just spend time together. I wouldn't need a lot of friends, just a group that i can be myself with and trust. We would spend our weekends at each other's houses and get ready for dances together. Have big group chats and inside jokes. In the summer we could go to the beach together and go to all the carnivals. I would be happy. I would look in the mirror and like what i see. But that's not my life. I am the only reason my parents aren't divorced. They probably think the stress of their divorce would lower my grades. I am an only child and i have 4 cats. My mom works at night and my dad works in the day and then goes to a cigar lounge at night. So its just me and my cats :( . At school i have friends but i don't act the same with all of them. I don't even like half of them, but the company is nice. I have 2 really close friends (lets call them Alice and Brooke) outside of school, but they live at least 30 min away. Brooke ditches for her school friends all of the time when i used to think of her and her family as my second family. Alice has a completely different personality from me so i get really worried i will say the wrong thing sometimes. I look in the mirror and I see a fat ugly girl. But you have to look at what you do have. I have cats that love me for who i am. I have a laptop and an iphone and netflix and tv and clothes and food (sometimes i wish i didn't have it) and heat and a place to live, even if its usually just me and my cats. Its okay to want another life, but remember that yours could be worse and that someone else would probably love your life.
I had 2 cats growing up and then in 2013 one of them died. in february 2014 the other one did (they were like 20 years old). so we got 3 kittens a month afterward even though we intended not to but i am home alone a lot and i like having cats to keep me company. i fell in love with these kittens and they are my world. i feel bad though because i didnt really like my old cats in their later years because they were my parents before i was born so they didnt really like me. so i neglected them. but these kittens are all i ever talk about. in september 2014 we got our fourth and final kitten just because he looks like one of our old cats (i love him but i still dont think we needed him). my cats are all i have sometimes because all of my friends live at least 20 min away and im an only child. seriously dont judge i already know i have a future as a cat lady. when im sad my cats will come and lay with me and its really cool that they understand me. so everyone should have a cat. the end. these are my cats Cody (grey with stripes), Jaz (black), Fred (grey and white), and Callie (grey with cool pattern) today in biology we were doing posters and i felt a sharp pain in my ring finger tip so i looked at my hands and noticed there will random little blue lines here are there that looked like thin pen marks. So my finger tip is tingling and my hand and arm are shaking and im freaking out because i think im dying. i put on hand sanitizer before it happened so i washed that off and it helped a little but not really. my finger is still a little tingly but the lines are gone. i know that ring finger are connected directly to the heart so maybe i had loss of circulation because i keep hair ties on my wrists idk but please if anyone knows what is wrong with me let me know because im still really freaked out. i really like this quote Basketball is the only sport I play competitively. I can play most other sports because I like them, but I'm not very good. I started playing it a few years ago and I love it. The feeling when the ball goes in is just so amazing. Like you have done something right. And since for a while I felt like was doing nothing right, basketball that one thing that I did right. And having a team that fully supports and cheers you on is sometimes even better than friends. Team mates are more like family, you can't choose them but they always have your back. So anyone who is ever feeling like something is missing or alone, try a sport. Sports keep me strong when nothing else does so they can do the same for you. ball is life 🏀😂 Basketball is the only sport I play competitively. I can play most other sports because I like them, but I'm not very good. I started playing it a few years ago and I love it. The feeling when the ball goes in is just so amazing. Like you have done something right. And since for a while I felt like was doing nothing right, basketball that one thing that I did right. And having a team that fully supports and cheers you on is sometimes even better than friends. Team mates are more like family, you can't choose them but they always have your back. So anyone who is ever feeling like something is missing or alone, try a sport. Sports keep me strong when nothing else does so they can do the same for you. ball is life 🏀😂 Basketball is the only sport I play competitively. I can play most other sports because I like them, but I'm not very good. I started playing it a few years ago and I love it. The feeling when the ball goes in is just so amazing. Like you have done something right. And since for a while I felt like was doing nothing right, basketball that one thing that I did right. And having a team that fully supports and cheers you on is sometimes even better than friends. Team mates are more like family, you can't choose them but they always have your back. So anyone who is ever feeling like something is missing or alone, try a sport. Sports keep me strong when nothing else does so they can do the same for you. ball is life 🏀😂 There are good people in this world and There are bad people. But sometimes there are people who switch from good to bad or bad to good. Then they are the people who are a little bit of both. But never forget that good people can do bad things and bad people can even do good things. I am a good person, but I have a bad past. You know how people say " the past is in the past"? Well they are wrong. The past will always be with you, you can't throw it away. The past can change you for the better or for the worst. My past has changed me for the worse, but I'm learning to make my newer past change me for the better. When I was little I was some what destructive. When I had pet fishes I would take the net to pick them out of the water and then poke them. Weird, I know. But doing that made them die sooner, and thats murder. Yes its a fish, no big deal. But I harmed another creature and knew i was doingt it, and that is wrong. In my past as a child I was never put in sports by my parents so i wasn't active and i wasnt taught good eating habits so I was very overweight. When I was 12 years old I was 181 pounds. That is the most I have ever weighed. So around 6th grade people started to call me fat and it got worse by eight grade. I started to fear the doctor because they would tell me I was obese and heavy and by hearing what I was eating they didnt understand why I was so fat. I would have panic attacks over it to the point where I switched doctors twice. In eighth grade there was this bully who called me a whale every day and fat and asked how many twinkies did I eat that day. I don't even like twinkies. So one day it got too far and I decided to loose weight. I started eating less and healthier and exercising and playing basketball and I lost 30 pounds. And for months that kid left. And when he came back one day, I lost it. I cut myself 11 times trying to feel something, anything. Pain. Sadness. I was just numb and it didn't help me feel, but it felt like i deserved it. That I didn't work hard enough to loose weight so this is my punishment. My mom found out and it crushed her. I stopped that day because feeling the pain inside myself was easier then hurting her. When I was home alone i would scream and sob just to let it out. I would think about what ways I could kill myself that would be the least painless and the best for my family to cope with. I could never bring myself to do it though. i was never just happy. I didnt feel that genuine happiness until months later at concert. Seeing my idol on stage singing the songs that have helped me stay alive is so moving and empowering. I stood there in tears because i was so happy and i didnt know when i would feel like that again. So i started to look for that happiness in my life for the first time in months. When you are depressed and considering suicide and can't bring yourself to do it then you have reason to stay on this earth. You have a purpose. You are a remarkable creation of god. You are beautiful and should live life to its fullest for as long as you can. I am learning how to take my past and put it into my future. How to show others that they too can overcome depression. Sometimes it takes a life changing moment to see that you can be happy and that life is beautiful. And sometimes you just need a friend to say you aren't alone. You have to find support. I was a good person with destructive behavior on myself and occasionally others, but i am trying find myself again and take my experience to help others. My past is my past, my future, and my present. I am alive. I am free. Hi. My name isn't really necessary to tell my story. I'm a freshman in high school in Philly. If this blog doesn't help me get my thoughts out then I'm going to go to therapy, so hoping this works. I don't have have great grammar and I'm not an amazing writer, so if you can for great writing your not gonna get it. I used to be bullied a lot and occasionally still am. I get panic attacks, anxiety, and I am a recovered self-harmer as a result of it. This isn't a cry for help its a part of my past i want to share. I was depressed for around 6 months and no one saw. No one knew what was wrong. Why I stopped smiling, stopped seeing my friends, stopped being my happy self. After a certain night I finally broke down and committed to finding my way back to who I used to be. And that's still where I am. Learning how to live my life how I want again. Learning to be free.
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