We have to learn to accept a lot of things in life. I have to accept that I'm not a skinny popular girl. That I have a little extra to me and that my friends are fine and thats everything is okay. When you get stuck in this place where everything is wrong and you start break, you slowly find yourself at your breaking point. And when you break, you have to rebuild. You have to become stronger and better than you ever were before. But everything you put into rebuilding yourself isn't always good. I built this wall, that was supposed to protect me from hateful things and the bad in this world. But my wall buried all bad things into a volcano. This volcano of vulnerability, and when it erupts its not pretty. Instead of small things hitting you all the time, its everything all at once. I'm stuck in this place that i thought was better for me, but it may just be as bad. I put up a good act of being happy for everyone, but like I said its an act. I feel like maybe its better this way, so no one worries. But deep down I just want someone to see through me and say your broken. I have my own mother fooled, the only person i thought could see through me. I guess reality is harsh. I have accept that maybe its okay that I'm not happy. Maybe I'm supposed to be this place. I mean everybody says god puts each of us on earth for a purpose. Maybe this is mine. I'm still clean. The urges started again though. I'm trying so hard to get better and find myself, but what if that is impossible. What if I'm looking in the wrong place? The only other place I could be is dead. Do you believe in heaven or the afterlife or reincarnation or hell? Do I? If I died today would my deceased family members be waiting for me? The problem with death is that no one can tell you what happens, because they are dead. I accept that for right now I'm alive, but I also accept that I could kill myself at this very moment if I wanted to.